Fat, sick, and more-than-nearly dehydrated

New blog time, bitches!

I don’t particularly have a lot to say right now, but have a ton of GIFs saved with blog stuff in mind.

This isn’t one of them, it’s just amazing.

Anyway, so… what’s been going on since the last post?  Well, I’ve been sick for WEEKS now.

I had gone to the doctor for one of my weekly check-ins and was starting to feel like I was starting to get a cold the night before.  I was told I had an upper respiratory infection and that it’d last a couple of weeks.

Uh huh, whatever doc, I have a small cold.  I’ll power right through it.

WRONG!

So the cold ended up getting worse and I was fairly positive that I had pneumonia.  I was scared that all of the coughing was going to be bad for my new innards.  I knew I was somewhat dehydrated, so I figured that hitting up the ER wouldn’t hurt… get some fluids, check out my lungs, whatever.  So I get to the ER and I’m like CRAZY winded walking in the door.  I get put into a room almost immediately and they were treating me like I’m bleeding out or something.  Hooking me up to all this equipment, asking me a million frantic questions, and getting me into a hospital gown right in front of them (usually I’m given privacy, whatever, nothing they haven’t seen before).  They checked my pulse and blood pressure and were like “Uhhhhh yeah we should put her in the next room”.  Apparently I was CRAZY dehydrated and my heart rate was 180, so they put me in the room with the extra equipment in case I dropped dead or whatever.  Rad.

After multiple attempts, they were able to get an IV placed and got my starting to re-hydrate.  They gave me 3 or 4 bags of fluid, but my pulse still raced any time I moved!  They did a portable chest x-ray, no pneumonia that they saw.  The meds they gave me to stop coughing didn’t really help and I seriously couldn’t blow my nose without making the heart monitor start beeping, so they decided to admit me to the hospital and see if they could stabilize things.

One of the good things about this hospitalization is that I basically HAVE to eat something.  If I’m home alone and don’t feel up to it, I don’t bother.  But in the hospital, there’s a menu and a feeding schedule (lol like you can only get breakfast certain hours and stuff) and people coming in constantly to make sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to.  Now, this menu was not bariatric or veg-friendly, really.  My first meal was a scoop of (friggin incredible) mashed potatoes and a small fruit cup.  I had scrambled eggs with salsa and a side of fruit for breakfast, snacked on raw veggies and salad dressing throughout the day, and generally skipped dinner because the snacking filled me up.  I felt the best after breakfast, probably because I got a bit of protein.

I was in the hospital for three days.  They never officially figured out what was wrong with me (whether it was the flu or what) and by the time I was discharged, I honestly felt worse.  I knew I was still dehydrated (I had about 7 total bags of fluids, they had it dripping SUPER slow to keep my veins from exploding), they had found I was allergic to a certain antibiotic, I had the worst migraine I can recall ever having, and I gained like five pounds while I was there because of the re-hydrating.

I wonder if I had just stuck with the natural methods of getting healthy, if I would’ve felt better faster.

I’ve been coughing and junk for a few days short of a month now.

I had another appointment with my doctor about a week later.  I knew I was dehydrated but really felt pretty much okay, aside from being sick.  My heart rate was still up and they asked me if I’ve been drinking water.

I explained that it is physically impossible for me to drink what is expected of me.  (I’m not even being a spoiled brat or anything right now, it seriously doesn’t work for me!)  Anyway, they decided I needed another freaking IV.  They tried three times into the office, without the numbing shot.  OW!!!  Then I sat in a room alone for an hour while they tried to figure out what to do next.  I tried to learn some German on Duolingo for distraction.  I ended up getting sent to the Urgent Care clinic, got two more IV pokes before getting a winner.  They could only give me 3 bags of fluid and people KEPT coming in asking I was feeling better as it was going on.  I felt exactly the same.  What were they expecting?

No. It doesn’t work like that for me.  Maybe after like, 20 bags.  So no, I still walk around like a friggin zombie.

My heart can’t keep up with the lack of hydration and nutrition.  I can walk on the treadmill on occasion, but standing still just kills me.  I’m so weak in the shower that I end up on my hands and knees.

I appear to be losing a bit of weight again, though.  I need to measure my inches, because clothes aren’t fitting anymore.

This was totally me on Superbowl Sunday:

I’ve gotta retire the jeans I was wearing, they aren’t working for me anymore.  For the time being, it’s gonna be all pajamas and gym clothes.

I’m getting an MRI on Monday morning to check out my abdomen and I see my doctor again later this month.  Hopefully things will be better by then?

Oh, hey, I made an Instagram account for Done being big, go check it out.

Thanks for your support, everyone!

The longer I wait to post, the more there is to post.

So basically, I’m a failure at blogging.  I had planned to explain all about my pre-op appointment, the pre-op diet, my concerns before going into surgery, getting a bunch of pre-op pictures, surgery day, my time in the hospital, recovery, and the post-op diet.  Yeahhh, I didn’t do any of that.

I’m a day short of three weeks since surgery.  I do have some pictures to share with you and will post videos on YouTube, but not today.  This post is mostly just to check in and prove that I am alive.

The surgery itself did go well, I have had some complications since, and right now I wouldn’t do this again.  I know I will feel better about it later and end up thankful for the whole thing, but right now I’m just totally not a fan of weight loss surgery.  I have lost weight and stuff, but can’t help but wonder why I didn’t try harder to just do this without surgery.  I don’t think I really thought this through.  I don’t think I tried hard enough before.

To those of you reading this and are in the process of getting surgery or considering it – please don’t let me discourage you.  Just PLEASE get used to drinking the goddamn protein.  My life would be tons easier if I could choke that crap down.  I mean, there have been other complications, but that part has been the worst.  I feel like I’m dying all the time because I’m so malnourished.  I mean, more so than I should be.

Anyway, yes – I am alive.  I’m at least 30 pounds down.  I weigh myself on Mondays, so I’ll know later today how much progress has been made.

Checking in, concerns, complaints

Since I can’t manage a video.

 

I just tried to upload a video on YouTube, but you can’t freaking hear me.  I was trying to do an update with my stupid CPAP on.

Just some quick updates… I see a cardiologist this morning.  It’s not one of my surgery pre-reqs, but my regular doctor noticed that my heart rate is a bit too fast/uneven, so I got referred over just to be safe.  I had a 24 monitor on but didn’t do it correctly, so we’ll see how that all goes.

I have a follow-up with Lincare this week to see if I’m complying with CPAP usage.  I honestly don’t know how I’ll do with that… I think I have to prove compliance for like 30 of 90 days?  I forget the rules.  I still can’t sleep well with this mask on, so I have to sit on my ass and not move/eat/drink for at least four hours each day.  Hopefully I’ll be done with this thing soon.  Anyway, so I take the machine in so they can read the memory card inside to see if I’m compliant, and then I head to the sleep doctor to see how my titration study went.  If I “passed” (I don’t know what counts for passing…), then I should be done with everything.

I haven’t gotten my vitamins yet.  I’m struggling with finding a combo of vegan and affordable.  I know how important the vitamins are and fully intend to take them, it’s just finding the exact right one.  It’s frustrating.

Another thing I had mentioned in the shitty video I made is how FUCKING SICK I AM OF BEING FAT.  I am so over this!!!  I am so sick of never having clothes that fit, worrying every time I sit in a chair I don’t know, not having a normal relationship… and wearing this stupid CPAP mask!  I should make a post of all the things I dislike about feeling this way and what I hope for the future.

I have my gym membership back this month, it’s been suspended for the past four months.  I’m realizing that it’s a week into the month and I haven’t gone.  The week has been crazy, but I should’ve been able to go.  I’m just feeling down about myself.

Oh, I got a Blendtec.  I haven’t used it yet, but am excited to do green smoothies and stuff.

I realize the images in this post don’t have a heck a lot to do with what I said.  They do have to do with what I planned to say, so it totally counts.  The next post will be better.  I promise.

Here we go again

I am just awful at this blogging thing.  Sorry.

I’m really and truly going to try to be better about it.  I got my own laptop, made a couple other accounts (a YouTube channel, a Facebook group page thing…) and am pondering others (Instagram and Pinterest, perhaps?) so I can throw myself into documenting my progress towards getting my RNY gastric bypass, gleaning information, and helping others the best I can.  My problem is, I really don’t know how to get a proper start!

I guess I’ll attempt a bit more of a history about myself…

So, okay, I’m 30 now.  I’ve been overweight for as long as I can recall.  I seem to recall getting big around 8 years old or so?  Can’t be sure.  I don’t know how much I was at any age, really.  In high school I was a member of NJROTC and had to wear men’s uniforms.  I had to get the clothes altered to fit my girth.  I didn’t get the most fancy uniform, simply because they didn’t run big enough.

This is my senior picture.  What’s with the smirk?

My most recent picture… unintentionally also wearing orange.  I assume I weigh around 305?

I have other pics to share, but I assume I should spread it out.  Okay… so what else?  Oh, the plant-based diet.

Along with being heavy, I’ve been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember.  Aside from my first grade teacher force feeding me a hot dog (while telling me I needed to send the dog to his house), I don’t know when or why I stopped eating meat.  I know I used to go back and forth as a child.  It was a giant source of stress with my family.  I wasn’t raised to be meat-free and my parents still love a good burger.  I personally don’t think I’ve intentionally had meat in a bit over 20 years.  I remember a hamburger around 9 years old.  No idea when I had fish or poultry last.

As for what I do still eat… I’ll have ice cream on occasion.  If I’m buying my own, I’ll get a frozen dessert from So Delicious.  If I go to a restaurant, its not the end of the world if I have butter or the occasional thing of ranch dressing.  At home, I use Earth Balance buttery spread and make my own salad dressing.  The worst thing I eat is eggs.  I go back and forth on that one.  I cant prepare them myself though.  I have really bizarre logic when it comes to eggs, and I shouldn’t get into it.

I prefer to call myself almost-vegan.  There are so many titles out there, its super confusing.  I would prefer it if people in my world didn’t use leather, hunt, eat meat, and made more natural choices… but I’m not a PETA fanatic or anything.  I am the last person to show you a video of how cows are treated or something.  I don’t want to watch that shit!

Wow.  Back to what I was talking about…

I don’t eat meat, yet I’m still morbidly obese.  I make fairly healthy choices for the most part, but at times have problems with portion control.  I live a very sedentary lifestyle.  I am SO EXCITED to lose weight and become one of those weirdos that actually likes going to the gym..  I want to be a runner.  I want to be a yogi.  It’s not a matter of want, even… these things will be happening.

I’m guessing these next few posts will be more of a background about me, until my surgery stuff gets going more.  Sometimes I’ll type, sometimes I’ll post videos on my YouTube channel.  I’m seriously rambling now, so I’ll stop for the night.

 

*Edited to add – This is my 3rd attempt at posting this stupid thing. ARE YOU TOO GOOD TO POST, BLOG?!

My current thought process

I have been sitting in my car, in the gym parking lot for nearly thirty minutes. I can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will feel better if I go, I have everything I need to spend some time… but here I sit. I haven’t been here in almost a week. There is absolutely no reason for me not to go in. Raaaaaarr curse this lazy, fat-girl brain of mine. Does this feeling go away? I am sure that once this becomes more of a habit that it’ll be easier, but I wonder if I’ll still have days where I sit out here.

Okay, okay, fine. I’m going in. I’ll probably take it easy, but it’s better than sitting on my ass at home, right?

Aaaaaany minute now. Wait for it… wait for it…

(Now my brain is trying to tell me that I should just come back later, that I’ll probably have the place to myself and will certainly have access to the giant fan. But dudes, if I go home, I’m not leaving again til morning. We both know that.)

Okay. I am really going in this time. I think. I’m trying to picture my ex’s face when he sees me all thin and rad and I totally blow him off for being a dumbass.

Okay, okay, okay. It’s go time. It’s been like 45 minutes. Now I can’t tell if I really want to sit here, or if I’m enjoying writing. I CAN WRITE ANY TIME.

Seriously going in now.