Tag Archives: gym

Food is a dirty, dirty tramp.

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So I stole had a grand idea. If I use GIFs, I can write less and still make a point.

This is brilliant, and perhaps I’ll write posting more.

Anyway, today I would like to talk about food and how it’s been a part of my life lately.  After my surgery, I was on a liquid diet for 26 days. It really wasn’t that bad, some of the time.

Depending on the day and what I could tolerate, I mostly lived on Propel, licorice tea, water, a bit of pop, and protein drinks in whatever way I could force down. (I tried mixing protein powder with water, hot chocolate, juice, broth… the thought makes me sick.)

I was so weak during this time because I was sooooo dehydrated and lacking protein. I could barely walk. I couldn’t shower unless someone else was at the house, out of fear that I would black out. I would have the most bizarre cravings, too. I recommend keeping a list of the things you come up with, it’s pretty funny later on. (I don’t have mine in front of me, but I remember craving reheated food (it HAD to be reheated… I don’t even…), the smell of Jack in the Box tacos, certain meats (keeping in mind that I don’t EAT meat and haven’t since I was a child), and like, the taste of burps after eating broccoli or something.

It was pretty entertaining. I would crave those things, but really had no desire to eat. It wasn’t anything I had any intention of acting on. I would allow myself to feel the craving and generally once I acknowledged it, it would pass. I didn’t feel hunger until my period. That was probably the first time I was like “Screw this, I need food now.”. But I kept on my path.

As mentioned, I had my post-op appointment and after that I was cleared to eat soft foods. You’d think I would be all:

Right? Yeahhhh, no. I ended up in the ER for pretty severe dehydration. I still felt like shit after being released, but hit up my local health food store to pick up some food/drink to test out.

I had my first real food in the evening on 12/20. I had these:

I had been dreaming of these beans for ages. I used to eat a whole container of them mixed with a whole bag of salad, a roma tomato, a small can of sliced black beans, ranch dressing, green onion, and crushed tortilla chips as a taco salad. It probably weighed like two pounds. Yikes. Anyway, I didn’t really want to eat at the time, but knew I needed the protein so I tested it out.

I may *look* okay here, but felt like ASS.

I basically dipped a fork in the container a few times. It was tasty. But a few hours later, OMG. I was in the bathroom for like two hours.

I was in unbelievable pain. Like awful period cramps. I used to get like this at times, with whatever digestive issue I have. (Colitis, IBS, IBD, Crohn’s… depends on who you ask) My body was doing all it could to get the food OUT of me. I was in pain, wanted to puke, wanted to die – it was just awful. I was minutes from calling an ambulance.  This pain went on most every time I ingested anything food-like for about two weeks.

Things have since improved, to an extent. I saw my regular doctor, that took my issues seriously. I took Lomotil for the cramps (same thing I had to take before surgery) and eventually didn’t need to take it. I’ve been going in weekly for checkups with the doctor. The pain and cramping stopped, but I also didn’t have a bowel movement for ten-ish days. I’m still dehydrated, not getting enough potassium, sugar, calories, or protein, but am able to get around a bit now.

I am now free to eat most anything, I guess. Honestly, with all the issues I’ve been having (I know, I’m not properly explaining all those things, I’m an awful writer), I’ve had to throw the rules out the window, to an extent.

As this point, I’m just focusing on chewing properly, taking my time, learning what is/isn’t going to make me sick.

I have felt so much better. It really is the little things. NOT being doubled over in pain all the time is pretty liberating. I’ve felt almost unstoppable at times.

The bad part for me is when the damn period returns. It seems I must eat all the things.

I am on my period right now and my brain keeps telling me to snack. It blows. I am still nowhere near getting the calorie intake, but have gotten better about finding ways to incorporate potassium and protein. I really am feeling a bit better. I’ve gone to the gym twice. That’s the goal, to really get going there.

I had more to say, but this has taken me HOURS to write because I get distracted so easily. I have to go.

Checking in, concerns, complaints

Video

Since I can’t manage a video.

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I just tried to upload a video on YouTube, but you can’t freaking hear me.  I was trying to do an update with my stupid CPAP on.

Just some quick updates… I see a cardiologist this morning.  It’s not one of my surgery pre-reqs, but my regular doctor noticed that my heart rate is a bit too fast/uneven, so I got referred over just to be safe.  I had a 24 monitor on but didn’t do it correctly, so we’ll see how that all goes.

I have a follow-up with Lincare this week to see if I’m complying with CPAP usage.  I honestly don’t know how I’ll do with that… I think I have to prove compliance for like 30 of 90 days?  I forget the rules.  I still can’t sleep well with this mask on, so I have to sit on my ass and not move/eat/drink for at least four hours each day.  Hopefully I’ll be done with this thing soon.  Anyway, so I take the machine in so they can read the memory card inside to see if I’m compliant, and then I head to the sleep doctor to see how my titration study went.  If I “passed” (I don’t know what counts for passing…), then I should be done with everything.

I haven’t gotten my vitamins yet.  I’m struggling with finding a combo of vegan and affordable.  I know how important the vitamins are and fully intend to take them, it’s just finding the exact right one.  It’s frustrating.

Another thing I had mentioned in the shitty video I made is how FUCKING SICK I AM OF BEING FAT.  I am so over this!!!  I am so sick of never having clothes that fit, worrying every time I sit in a chair I don’t know, not having a normal relationship… and wearing this stupid CPAP mask!  I should make a post of all the things I dislike about feeling this way and what I hope for the future.

I have my gym membership back this month, it’s been suspended for the past four months.  I’m realizing that it’s a week into the month and I haven’t gone.  The week has been crazy, but I should’ve been able to go.  I’m just feeling down about myself.

Oh, I got a Blendtec.  I haven’t used it yet, but am excited to do green smoothies and stuff.

I realize the images in this post don’t have a heck a lot to do with what I said.  They do have to do with what I planned to say, so it totally counts.  The next post will be better.  I promise.

It’s been a while…

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So it appears I haven’t written since December 6th.  Yikes.  My cat and then grandmother passed away right after that.  I have all sorts of excuses, but exercise has not been a priority for me as of late.  I have gone into the gym a handful of times, but never got officially back into it. I have an appointment with my trainer tonight, I am very much dreading that.

Have you ever noticed how much of a bitch it is to exercise when you’re obese?  The joint pain, the blisters, the rashes in places rashes should not be?  All of this with minimal effort.  I walk a mile and am out of commission for days.  It’s friggin stupid.

On the plus side, I have started using MyFitnessPal.  (What?  I cant make hyperlinks?  Sigh.  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/)  I had this app ages ago but never got into it.  I have tried a few others in my quest to lose weight, even giving in and paying for the fancy extras (which I had vowed to never do).  I still have trouble using it – not with the actual app, more just laziness in figuring out exactly how much of each thing I had, like when working with produce and stuff.  But it has been interesting seeing how much I really do consume.  I thought with my mostly vegan diet and hatred of food, that I was doing pretty well.  Not so much.  Some days I am barely consuming any calories, some days I get WAY too much.  So I recommend trying MyFitnessPal or another food intake tracker.

I have also begun looking into weight loss surgery.  A friend had mentioned that she got it on Facebook and after we talked about it, I attended a seminar for more information and turned a form in to have my insurance run and all that.  Now I have a consult with the surgeon, nutritionist and a psychologist or something… not sure what else.  I’m going through Swedish Medical Center (http://www.swedishweightloss.com/).  I have no idea what procedure I might qualify for, if I am a good candidate, or if surgery is right for me, but I owe it to myself to find out.  I will be turning 30 very very soon and I can’t live this life anymore.  I have to do something.  How do you feel about the surgical route?

I am going to try posting on here more.  It’s easier for me to post from an actual computer, which I have access to a couple of times a week, so I will attempt to start documenting my progress (or lack thereof) and if I do end up going with surgery, I thought it would be good to tell my story so other people can see!  That reminds me – I am also on ObesityHelp (http://www.obesityhelp.com/).  It’s a good resource!

I hope everyone is doing well, talk to you soon!

Eleven pounds down

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I haven’t been very good with updating this.  I’m having a hard time in my personal life, but I have been getting to the gym still.  Yesterday I got in with my trainer for a quick weigh in and journal swap, and I had lost 6 more pounds.  So now I’m weighing in at 306.  I’m glad to have made progress, but feel like I should be farther by now.

I have a head cold, so food sounds gross.  I had no appetite last week, and now I cant taste anything.  Could bode well for me.

My feet HURT from walking last night.  I went almost three miles in bad shoes – I just kept going cause I was into it.  Got my first workout blister though… haha.

I’m a slug.

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I am feeling like a slug. I haven’t been to the gym in four days (feels longer) or done any form of exercise. I’m not eating much, and sleeping a LOT. I have been on this journey for a month now, I was hoping I’d have more positive habits by now.

I don’t think I had mentioned this, but I am using HCG drops. I have had a bottle here for months, but still fuzzy on the diet plan, so I gave up and just throw some drops under my tongue whenever I think of it. Totally took my appetite away. I can easily ignore most cravings, I seriously don’t feel hungry. It’s good and bad. I am not eating much, so when I do, I eat more than I should. Nowhere near my binge amounts, but not normal portion size.

I’m pretty depressed. I know exercise is going to make me feel better, but actually getting to the doing exercise part is where I’m having trouble.

If you’re reading this, do you have any advice? Words of wisdom? I need a push.

(I’m posting this because I’m sure losing all motivation is part of the process, and I want to be as detailed as possible with what I’m going through, to hopefully help others someday.)

Training Day 1

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Today I began officially with a trainer. I really cannot afford this, but in the grand scheme of things, I can/have to. It’s $199 for five 1-hour sessions, but she’s splitting it into ten 30-minute sessions, probably twice a month. My trainer (let’s call her “K”) also decided that once a week, I will meet her for a few minutes to swap out food journals and get a weekly weigh in going. Very glad for that, as I can’t find a consistent scale to save my life. (Tonight the locker room scale said 314, but I could go again tomorrow and it’ll be way more or less) K started me out doing these squats where you hold straps out in front of you and then start to sit down. I did three sets of 10. I like those, I can tell I’m doing something without killing myself. Next (I think, I’ve already blocked it out haha) I did something horrible called “lay down, stand up”. It’s just what it sounds like, lay down flat on your back, then get back up. We were in a room with a padded floor, but I required extra padding. I really struggled with these. My weight made it hard enough, but all that extra use with my right knee and hip kinda sucked. Maybe like three or four in, my left leg was rendered useless. It is much more weak, and I simply couldn’t get it to cooperate. I think I only did like five of these, as opposed to the 30 K had set out to do. That had me breathing really hard. Probably should’ve brought my inhaler. After that, we stood against the wall with one of those exercise balls, and I just barely pushed the ball against the wall with my leg. Did that ten times, switched to the other leg, and again. Those were difficult, but doable. I had to stop a few times for water, I was starting to see spots. The next exercise was what I called the “thighmaster”. I stood on either side of the ball and gently squeezed, then released. 3 sets of ten there as well. I’m very uncoordinated, and my legs fought me with that one. Finally, I did an oldie from physical therapy. Laying flat on my back, lift a leg up, back down, and switching. These were difficult because I kept getting a Charlie horse as I lifted. We sat on the floor for a couple of minutes and talked about my plan for the week, and that was it! My face was red and sweaty, but I didn’t feel like that was enough of a workout (since I REALLY didn’t want to come, I felt I needed to do more to make the trip worth it), so I got on a treadmill. I only went for 22 minutes (mostly at 2 MPH) because my left side, left outer thigh, and the left side of my low back were unhappy. Tomorrow morning I will see the doctor to check in on my back, as it has been acting up more lately, and I really need it to comply so I can get this damn weight off!

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Oh, also, I told my ex (long story, but we’re close) about my goal. I showed him my main inspiration picture:

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and he said “Wow if you looked like that your craziness would be kinda sexy” – I only properly read that just now, and now I can’t tell if he was being a jerk or nice. Anyway, it felt good to tell him what I was planning for, he was with me at my highest weight and during “the great weight loss of ’05”, where I lost like 30 pounds pretty much never getting off my ass and strictly eating potatoes (generally frozen) and binging on like cake frosting and stuff. There would be days when I was super thirsty and there was nothing in the house to drink (I was convinced that tap water would make me sick) and all I could find would be a Mike’s raspberry in the back of the fridge. Classy stuff. Anyway, so now pretty much all the important people in my life know what’s up and can keep me focused on the goal. Hopefully. My mom keeps buying me junk, I don’t know what else to say to get that to stop. Speaking of stopping, enough with this blog entry, damn.

*I do not currently have a link handy for the picture of the chick. I saved it months ago off of Pinterest, I forget if there was a website attached to it or not. I am not trying to claim credit.
**I posted this last night, I guess it didn’t go through!

Do I have to do this daily?

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I woke up with a lot of low back pain. I didn’t really have anything going on, so I went back to sleep. Slept most of the day away. I got up and moved around some and my back was still being a dick, so I decided I wouldn’t hit the gym today. I tried making a pizza/flatbread beast with Trader Joe’s pizza dough… it turned out horrid but I kept eating. At like 6:40 I decided I may as well go to the gym. I like to go at 7 PM so I can watch The Office. (Scheduling my workouts around TV… a true lazy girl through and through) So I got there at 7:01. I was full of bread and feeling blah, so I only went the half hour instead of an hour. I feel like crap for not pushing through. I’m trying to tell myself that just doing something is what matters.

My digits

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Okay, I got my measurements and stuff at the gym the other day. I am unsure of a proper way to list it, so I’m just going to lay it all out. This was as of two days ago…

Current weight: 315 pounds
Height: 64 inches
Body frame: Medium
Body fat: 51.4%
Fat weight: 161.9 pounds
Lean (fat-free) weight: 153.1 pounds
Total body water: 56.69 liters, 39.6%
Body mass index: 53.8
VO2: 16.65
Bicep: 15 inches
Chest: 45 in
Waist: 46 in
Hips: 63 in
Upper thigh: 31 in
Lower thigh: 29 in

Hopefully I got that all down right. I am mortified posting this info, but feel if I put this out for all to see, it’ll motivate me to CHANGE. I should get that info again in 3 months.